News Flash: Biorhythms Are Bogus

Back in the 70s, you could hardly walk into a strip mall or pizza joint without encountering a “biorhythm machine.” The theory is that we all have these cyclical waves running through our lives for physical, emotional, and intellectual well-being. The waves start at birth, and, running on slightly different frequencies, go through periods of both synchronous harmony and chaotic intersection. As a 10-year-old, I was obsessed with these things, and would drop a quarter every time I saw one, walking home with a freshly minted sheet of green/white striped printer paper sporting a dot-matrix layout of my life cycles for the next few months.

Biorhythm Lately feeling like I’d reached an all-time low – exhausted, sick, stressed, imbalanced, under-excercised, just out of sorts in every way. Then it hit me – my biorhythms must be off! Haven’t seen one of those machines around for years, but knew there had to be a software version out there somewhere. Struck gold with the Bedrock BioRhythms Dashboard widget. Tapped in my birthday and was treated to – horrors! – stark evidence that biorhythms are total bull. Something is wrong – this can’t be my chart! My waveforms are peaking right now, should be top of my game. But reality is the opposite. How can I never have realized this as a child? How could I have been so naive? How could my parents have allowed me to go on wasting my money like that?

Guess this explains why you never see the machines around anymore.

Man, what a rip.

Music: Squarepusher :: Tundra

4 Replies to “News Flash: Biorhythms Are Bogus”

  1. Not to blow sunshine where it don’t belong, but I think there’s actually an up side to this: you went SO long with your innocence (re the spuriousness of biorhythms) completely intact. All those years of happiness (benighted though they might have been), living in a world where happiness and unhappiness (and “Mastery”!) are predictable curves, mathematically defined, reliable in their immutability, the vicissitudes of life wed permanently to the eternal invariance of the sinous curve.

    You’re a lucky man! :)

  2. You ARE at the top of your game, but the world is against you! Now, just imagine if your biorhythm was out of sync and at its nadir. It’s a good thing you are where you are when it is most needed. Close call! :c)

  3. as a 64 year old diabetic with a bad ticker, developing a successful, sustainable exercise routine is a life or death issue. for the last 2 cycles i’ve been tailoring my workout frequency to the physical sine wave on my biorhythm chart. 4 off days in a row in the valley and heavier weight, more exercises and more reps during the peaks. sad but true for you, it works!

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