War Is Boring

Millions of Americans tune in for The Great Spectacle, expecting “Shock and Awe” at unspeakable volumes. Instead they get hours of grainy footage of the back end of a tank in convoy plowing through the Iraqi desert. CNN tries to make the most of it, calling it “remarkable footage” and “historic,” which doesn’t change the fact that they’re broadcasting hours of the butt end of a tank because they have nothing else to show. Is America getting its money’s worth? No doubt some actual spectacle around the corner, but meanwhile how to keep the viewers from tuning out? Ah — treat them to a night with no commercials. Which of course means the competing network doesn’t get to do commercials either. There might not be a commercial for days! Who needs Tivo? Wife starts flipping channels. Protests clog NY, Philly, Washington. In SF more than 1000 are arrested. Fox brushes up against this news, does all it can not to treat it with revulsion. I mean with Shock and Awe. How can anyone protest at a time like this?, the reporter asks. Our boys are halfway across the world at risk of dying to protect our very right to protest, and they’re protesting? The irony is thick like chemical weapons gas, the reporter nearly coughs. Meanwhile, protestors vomit for peace. Fox puts convicted war criminal Oliver North in the field as a reporter — that’s what credibility is all about. And in case Ollie’s spiel is too complicated, Geraldo will be there to sign Iraqi women’s backsides. 16 die in a helicopter crash — 12 brits and a 4 yanks. Or so I hear on CNN. When Fox does the same story a few minutes later, they tell us that four people have died. If you’re not American your life isn’t worth prime-time mention. The info graphic tells me the cruising speed and gas mileage of the Abrams tank and I feel informed.

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Floating around, author unknown: A Warmonger Explains War with Iraq to a Peacenik.